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amphetamines and jelly beans

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[16 Apr 2011|04:20pm]
I can't keep away from this. Up down up down up down ... and eventually I come back here. So there are records of my failures.

I tried, though. I honestly tried to do it "the right way." Just exercise! Vigourous, regular exercise! But no, 45 minutes of elliptical every fucking day just got me ... 10 extra pounds. Blah blah muscle weighs more than fat blah blah. That's cute. It's always about the number on the scale. Not to mention I sure as hell haven't lost any pant sizes.

So, for posterity, my newest "plan":

Breakfast options

English muffin+turkey+egg and banana: 380
Sourdough+gyro+hummus & banana: 500
3 eggs+salsa & toast+Smart Balance Light: 435

Lunch options:

2 slices Double Fibre wheat bread+1 can tuna+2 tbsp reduced fat mayo = 430
2 slices Double Fibre wheat bread+6oz turkey+1 avocado = 645
3c romaine+1 can chicken+1c couscous = 350

Dinner options:

4oz chicken breast+2 corn tortillas & 1/2c beans+1/2c Spanish rice = 500
3c romaine+1c couscous+1 chicken breast+dressing = ~460
1c rice+1 chicken breast+teriyaki sauce = 590

Like I said, I tried to do it the right way. A month of exercising at least every day, if not twice a day. I wanted to do it without calorie restriction because I get too crazy about it and I was naively hopeful that I could lose weight without going batshit over my intake. But no, I have to open up that door again.

on the other hand, if it works, fuck it, right? :(
how much lost?

[11 Jul 2010|06:19pm]
Feeling like a burrito today. I knew it was coming -- I ate too many beans in the last 24 hours. I feel fat. My face looks fat. I've been hovering around 135-136, and it's driving me mad. I know I've lost muscle mass as I have absolutely stopped exercising for the past month.

I'm trying my best not to be too hard on myself. I wanted to start walking again here, but the mosquitos have been so freaking ridiculous, I'm going to have to wait until it gets cooler so I can be heavily bundled against them. My other option (which i just now thought of, i'm not sure why) is to do some ExerciseTV, On Demand stuff.

I want to be thin so bad. I sound like a retarded teenager writing it like that, but it's true. I feel so horrible about myself all the time. There's always something wrong with me but this thing can so easily be fixed and ... I don't know.

I don't know. I'm a fat fucking loser. I need to get off my ass, stop posting here like a fucking idiot, and get to some sort of work. Guh.
1 lb| how much lost?

[10 Jun 2010|01:12pm]
Breakfast: 2 eggs scrambled with Asian chili and handful of pico de gallo; 1 slice sourdough with Smart Balance Light
Lunch: 1 cup rice with shrimp fu-yung (egg, green onion, peas, shrimp)

Weight: 135.4

Keep going, caterpillar.
how much lost?

[09 Jun 2010|05:51pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

Lunch: Del Taco spicy chicken burrito with no cheese; fried jalapenos (omfg first and last time but they were SO TASTY)
Snack: snack-size applesauce with sprinkle of chocolate granola
Dinner: 3/4 cup boiled white rice; 1 serving chicken and celery

I walked 1.6 miles. We're about to go out and walk at least another mile, hopefully more. I feel like I will gain tomorrow but hopefully not. We'll see. I'm going to try to keep a picture food log -- posting it to a blog somewhere -- to hold myself more accountable.

how much lost?

this is my melody and it's just the raver's fantasty 'cause i know if you're in love with me. [09 Jun 2010|08:53am]
Dinner: Turkey & bacon sandwich from Togo's; 3 scoops Rice Dream ice cream with a tablespoon of chocolate sauce; one Killian's Irish Red beer.


Weight: 136.0

Breakfast: 110 calorie bagel with 5 slices turkey and teaspoon of soy cream cheese

I've got a crapton to accomplish this week, but I know I can persevere. I'll keep walking to the store and back for stuff, I'll keep managing my calories ... I'll do it.

130 by the 25th. Completely doable.
how much lost?

[08 Jun 2010|12:36pm]
Breakfast: 110 calorie bagel; 1/2 avocado; 4 slices deli turkey meat; tiny spread soy cream cheese

Lunch: 2/3 romaine lettuce head; 1 cup chili (280 calories); handful of pre-chopped pico de gallo; 1/2 avocado; 1/2 large sweet potato (cut into fries and tossed with olive oil, cayenne powder, salt, and garlic powder)

Weight: 136.8

Go go go.
2 lbs| how much lost?

[07 Jun 2010|07:34am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Still a failure.

Weekends suck for me.

My weights went like this:


Which, you know, I'm not sure how that is even possible, since I obviously didn't eat 3500 calories over my maintenance need each day, plus I did some walking (light walking) each day, and I guess that's the dangers of weighing yourself every day, but I need to get down to 135 and stay there.

Starting again this week. I need to walk to the grocery store and back (1.6 miles) to get more water, and I'll make sure to grab more cough medicine to help me out.

I think I'll cook all day -- chicken skewers, vegetable skewers, and chicken breast premade to put on salads. I will eat salads of various shapes and forms from now until next Tuesday (when i go on vacation) if that's what it takes.

how much lost?

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars. [04 Jun 2010|09:14am]
[ mood | exanimate ]

Dinner: Burger King Tendergrill chicken sandwich with no mayo (410 cals); value onion rings (150 cal); those fucking rib things that turned out to suck (220 cal).


137.6 pounds

Breakfast: 110 calorie bagel with 5 slices turkey; 1/2 a green apple

Two and a half more pounds to go and two and a half more days to do it ... I will do it, I will. Then 5 more pounds to go and I'll be 130 ... which is not great but not as bad as before.

I told my honey last night -- I've been at 140 for so long that it is no longer "that weight that I got to after I lost weight" but "that high weight that I need to get under." I want to get that way with 130. I want to be there long enough that it comes completely unacceptable and it lights a fire under my butt again.

I also want to keep up with the hiking. The "lifting of a 25 pound baby" isn't going to stop anytime soon, but hopefully at some point I can start doing some sort of core strength exercises, since I have absolutely no core strength. I don't just want to be thin, I want to be some sort of fit. 120 pounds but toned and fit will be much better than 110 pounds of skinnyflabby.

(i really am trying to do this the healthiest way possible, i just can't kick the feelings of self-loathing associated with a number on the scale and sometimes my old tricks are just so much faster than doing it slow and steady ...)

how much lost?

miles and miles of perfect skin i swear i do i fit right in i fit right in your perfect skin. [03 Jun 2010|12:10pm]
[ mood | determined ]

Yesterday: 139.8 lbs

Lunch: 110 calorie bagel with 5 slices deli chicken meat; apple
Dinner: 2 chicken breast skewers; 2 vegetable skewers (sweet potato, zucchini, eggplant, yellow bell pepper, mushroom); 1 slice sourdough bread.
Snack: 1 chicken breast skewer; 1 non-alcoholic beer (65 cals for the beer)

Today: 138.6

Breakfast: 110 calorie bagel with 5 slices deli turkey meat; apple; coffee with sugar and lactose-free milk
Lunch: 2 chicken breast skewers; 2 vegetable skewers (sweet potato, zucchini, eggplant, yellow bell pepper, garlic clove); 1 small slice sourdough bread.

I need to figure out something low calorie for dinner tonight. The skewers were a huge success, even with the kids. I took cough medicine, and aside from keeping me busy cleaning and eschewing the internet, it also suppressed my appetite. 3 and a half pounds in 4 days. I can do it. I want to be lean again. I want this feeling of disgust at my ineptitude to go away.

how much lost?

[02 Jun 2010|08:41am]

breakfast: 2 eggs; 1 oz silken tofu; handful raw spinach; handful pico de gallo; 1 oz chicken breast.
how much lost?

just breathe take the world off your shoulders and put it on me. [02 Jun 2010|08:40am]
Really, fatass? 140? You're gaining weight? You've got FOUR WEEKS (less! 23 days!) to lose 10 pounds and you're gaining weight?

You have until Sunday to be 135, by any means. You'll take cough medicine and you'll clean and you'll go on a hundred small walks and you'll eat like the tiniest bird and you'll use vegetables to fill in the space in your stomach and you'll use water to fill in your stomach and you'll stop kidding yourself about everything.

You're fat and disgusting and you'll never fit into those pants if you sit around telling yourself that you're fine and the weight will just fall off. It will not just fall off. You have to work it off.

135 by Sunday, you piece of shit. This has gone on long enough. Your failure is completely unacceptable.
2 lbs| how much lost?

i don't want to start any blasphemous rumours but i think that god has a sick sense of humour. [04 May 2010|01:02pm]
SO here I am once again.

Nothing crazy. I've been doing my best to lose weight in a healthy way. For a while, I was logging EVERYTHING I ate and trying to stay at 1200 calories, but the math was killing me and thinking about it was killing me, so I stopped, and ballooned up to 152.6 pounds.

This image is in my head ALL THE TIME.Collapse )

I decided, after I got my hair cut (shortly after that picture) and couldn't even enjoy it because I was so depressed by how fat I looked in the pictures, to get back onto walking, since that has always always helped me before. I started dieting and exercising at the end of February, and half lost 13 pounds. I felt like updating this because I've been working at trying to get under 140 for the last week (i set myself a weight loss goal of four pounds in 7 days, and achieved it in 9) and this morning I was finally at 139.6. I am going to celebrate by walking 4.5 miles today, to the mall to get my eyebrows waxed.

Let's talk a timeline of weights:

The first time I dieted after Sydnee, when she was a year old or so -- I started off at 147 pounds.

I got down to 110 (or so) 6 months after I started dieting.

When I got pregnancy with Julian, I was 137 pounds.

While I was homeless and pregnant with him, I got down to 133 pounds (at 6 months pregnant).

The lowest I got postpartum with Julian (before i started gaining weight) was 142.

Then I got up to 152.6.

I'd like to get down to 120. I have 19 pounds to go. I would like to get there by June 25th.

Augh too much going on now, this is done.
how much lost?

[11 Jan 2010|12:17pm]
Got the elliptical. Did an hour on it today.

BK Breakfast burrito - 390 cal
Lean Cuisine Meal - 220 cal
Lean Cuisine Meal - 330 cal
Exercise - 580 cal

Net - 360 cal


Yoplait nonfat yogurt - 100 cal

Net - 460 cal

Homework this round of baby boy's nap, but when my honey gets home I can do another half-hour or hour of elliptical and burn off another 300 to 600 calories to make up for the taco you bet I'm going to eat on the way to pick up my oldest. :P It's so much easier to just eat a bit more and burn a bunch off than to starve myself. Breastfeeding absolutely forbids me from malnourishing myself.
how much lost?

[07 Jan 2010|01:10pm]
Arrrrghhhhhhh I was at 150.6 this morning. Starting back in on carefully diminished calorie intake -- I'm at 800 for today. I have a dinner salad planned for tonight, with sesame ginger marinated chicken, mandarin oranges, some of our leftover wonton strips, romaine lettuce, a bit of couscous and some homemade sesame oil and rice vinegar dressing. I'll calculate what that is in a bit, when I'm done with my studying. It is confirmed that I will graduate this spring; other than wanting to lose 30 pounds by July (though i guess now 35 with this latest weigh-in), I will be wanting to look spry and thin when I've got people coming to see me walk. I mean, theoretically someone besides my husband and kids will want to see me walk. God knows nobody three years ago would have imagined that I would have completed an AA degree, much less been accepted into a university.

We're going to go buy an elliptical tonight. A friend of mine ate 1200 calories a day and worked out 4 hours a day and lost 30 pounds in 4 months, so I think if I eat 1200 calories a day and work out an hour a day that should still enable me to get to my goal by July. I'm so tired of hating myself when I look in the mirror.

Oh yeah, ETA that I think Thursdays will be the official weigh-in days now so I don't let the daily ups and downs dishearten me like I did before. SO --

Thursday weigh in: 150.6
2 lbs| how much lost?

[30 Dec 2009|02:42pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I hate me. I hate the way I look. I hate eating. I hate that I get starving and just mow through a disgusting amount of food until I stop shaking. I said, "I'll diet after I get back from vacation," and I just ate a 1000-calorie burger from Burger King and I'm full but fuck that's a ton of calories and we're going to have pizza (cheeseless) at someone else's house tonight and I'm just kicking myself over and over.

I'm ugly and fat and oh fat and I less and less want to lose this the healthy way and more and more want to just take a "foodcation" and just not eat until it's natural again.

For what it's worth, I didn't gain any weight despite eating what I wanted. The problem is that even when I restrict my calories I also don't lose any weight. I'm trying to work on solids with baby boy so that he'll want to slow down nursing as he gets closer to a year. I can't take much more of this.

how much lost?

baby there's no other superstar you know that i'll be your papa-paparazzi. [10 Dec 2009|12:38pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Breakfast: Del Taco shredded beef combo burrito (500 cal); sugar free RedBull.
Lunch: whole wheat linguini (200 cal); 1 can salmon (120 cal); 1/2 can mushrooms (20 cal); 1/2 tbsp olive oil (50 cal).

900 so far. Dinner tonight will be chicken tacos with avocado and tomato, for a whopping 300 calories or so. I weighed in at 146.4 this morning. :( :( :( I just need to get under that hump ... I did a mile of exercise, and plan on at least one more, if not two. I'm trying really, really hard not to get all crazy with it this time. I think my stomach is shrinking, though -- I wasn't stuffed after eating dinner last night, but I didn't feel like snacking the rest of the night, so that's better than the first couple of days, right?

2 lbs| how much lost?

happy in the club with a bottle of red wine stars in our eyes. [09 Dec 2009|11:27am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

146 this morning. I didn't end up exercising yesterday, but I stuck to my meal plan, so I'm not too unhappy. As long as the number on the scale keeps going down ...

Breakfast: 2 packets instant oatmeal with brown sugar (250 cal); 3 egg whites scrambled with 1/4 small onion and 1 chopped large mushroom (75 cal); Sugar Free RedBull.

Lunch will be ... 3 oz of steak, 1/8th cup couscous (leftovers, ahoy), one cup of hot and sour soup. That will bring me up to about 700 for the day, which leaves plenty of room for whatever I manage to figure out for dinner.

how much lost?

if at first you don't succeed dust yourself off and try again try again. [08 Dec 2009|10:56am]
[ mood | irritated ]

I am flipping my shit today. Baby boy has not been napping to my satisfaction, and has generally been a whiny boy.

Anyway. I ended up eating an apple and a hard-boiled egg last night, which still only brought me up to 1600 and I don't think I should feel that bad about it because at least I was still under my max and I don't want to go too crazy because then I'll lose my milk and whateverrrrr.

I was 147.6 this morning, but that was after I had drank 20oz of iced coffee. 20fl oz is 1.3pounds, so I can be optimistic and say that I weighed 146.3.

Breakfast: oatmeal with brown sugar (250 calories)
Snack: 1 hard-boiled egg

I'm going to use my irritated energy to clean the living room. I'm so irritated that I can't put baby boy down on the carpet to crawl around because of all the crap on it.


Lunch: 1/2 chicken breast (225 cal); 1/2 cup mashed potatoes (125 cal); veggie mixture (1/2 onion, baby spinach leaves, 1 roma tomato, 3 slices eggplant [67 cal])
Snack: 5 mini whole wheat pancakes with syrup drizzle.

That veggie mixture is awesome. I mixed a forkful of it in with each bite of mashed potato, which made eating them take twice as long and flavoured the potatoes great. And I'm full! And at 815 calories for today. I'm not doing so hot on meeting my nutritional goals through food today, so I took a prenatal. Also: I am much more calm now that I've eaten and cleaned up the living room.

Tonight's dinner is going to be 5oz of broiled steak, 1/3 cup of couscous (cooked with beef stock), over a salad with tomato, green onion, and red bell pepper with Italian dressing (about 500 cal) ... then if I stick again to a beer and two shots (300 cals, roughly) I will be at about 1700 calories for the day. If I can get a half-hour of exercise in, that'll bring me back down to 1500, which would be perfect.

how much lost?

toss all the mornings lost to the clouds and you watch it go. [07 Dec 2009|08:48pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

I've been on point today. I'm holding off on beer etc. until 10, but we ate at 5:30 and I'm hungry again. :( I did a half hour of Leslie Sansone - 200 calories gone. I'm trying not to use that as an excuse though.

how much lost?

i want your love and i want your revenge you and me could write a bad romance. [07 Dec 2009|12:49pm]
Breakfast: Burger King Croissan'wich with sausage (no egg, no cheese, no sauce) (330 calories); 16oz iced coffee with soy and vanilla (?); sugar-free RedBull (10 calories).

Snack: green apple (70 calories); hard-boiled egg (90 calories).

Lunch: 1 chicken breast (300 calories); fried unbreaded eggplant (30 calories); half a cup mashed potatoes (130 calories); Crystal Light.

Dinner tonight will be chicken thigh tacos. I had thought that the corn tortillas I get were 100 calories each, but they're actually 40 calories each. I've got some salsa for flavour, but I think I'll leave off the avocado. They're all a bit hard for it, yet, anyway. FitDay clocks two tacos (with chicken, tomato, and lettuce) in at 228 calories, which would bring my day up to 1100-1200 calories. My goal for the day is 1500 to 1800, including beer/alcohol. If I only eat those two tacos, and have one light beer and two shots right before bed (like i did last night), I'll be at a little under 1500 calories for the day. If I can work any exercise into it, like say an hour of brisk brisk walking, that'll burn around 400 calories and bring me back down to almost 1000 calories.

Math math math math math. You know what I should be doing, instead of math? Studying for my Social Work final that I need to complete by the end of the day.
how much lost?

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